Understanding the Differences Between Healthy and Unhealthy Boundaries

I'm going to be honest with you all, Saturn in Pisces has been performing a number on me. But I'll tell you one thing, learning to maintain discipline through boundary setting is a different ball game. So today I want to discuss the differentiation between healthy and unhealthy boundaries as they relate to honoring your rules in place. When functioning properly, healthy boundaries keep the bad things out and the good things in. Our boundaries start to become unhealthy when they're so rigid that we begin to wallow in the bad and isolate ourselves away from the good.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries help you understand what you are in control of and what you are not responsible for. They identify when and where we hold ourselves (and others) accountable. Boundaries should be based on your needs only and should encourage autonomy. Healthy boundaries are created and maintained to protect us from real danger and people who want to force themselves or their influence on us. While boundaries are generally meant to stay in place, healthy boundaries can sometimes be permeable. For instance, we have boundaries to protect us from strangers but may consider revisiting those boundaries or opening them up to a potential romantic interest while dating. Healthy boundaries in my life look like putting my phone away when spending time with my partner, not eating my trigger foods, or only allowing people to touch my hair when I am comfortable.

Unhealthy Boundaries

Boundaries can become unhealthy when we forget to revisit them and they become too rigid. Rigid boundaries look like keeping people at a distance, even our family and friends. They can come in the form of limiting beliefs, keeping us isolated in fear and afraid to try new things or make deeper connections with others. Like when we go into "hermit mode" instead of reaching out for help when we really need it or refusing to share your feelings with your partner. Unhealthy boundaries can also be permeable where we tend to let in just anyone, allow others to influence us, people please, and overextend ourselves within relationships. If you've ever experienced burnout like me, you probably didn't even realize your boundaries were too permeable until it was too late. Maybe you were just trying to pick up the extra slack for your volunteer group, needed the money from working extra shifts, didn't want to "abandon your partner like everyone else", or just didn't want to kill the vibe with that hot date-- unhealthy boundaries can threaten our wellbeing. Knowing the difference is an essential personal skill.

Knowing the Difference

Unhealthy boundaries aren't always easy to identify. It will be especially difficult the longer you've been holding on to your limiting belief(s). Knowing and understanding your boundaries helps you know how you will proceed in certain situations. One way to tell the difference is to really ask yourself why the boundary is there in the first place. What's the motive? Is it based on a real danger or just a perceived threat? Or is it just ego disguised as fear? The other way you can tell the difference is to define what you're responsible for and what you are not.

Things you are responsible for:

• Your feelings

• Your thoughts

• Your choices

• Your values

• Your goals & dreams

• Your limits (or exposure)

• Your behaviors

• Your beliefs/attitude

• (Insert your gift to share with the world)

• respecting other people's boundaries

Things you are NOT responsible for:

• someone else's feelings, thoughts, values

• someone else's behaviors & choices

• someone else's goals & dreams

• someone else's beliefs/attitude

Once you have those down, consider when you might have to enforce those boundaries so that you are prepared when the time comes. Think about what those boundaries might look like at home, at work, on a date, in relationships, in friendships, at a party, or anywhere else you might think you need to establish them. The more you practice, the more confident and self-aware you become.

Need more personalized help figuring out where to begin with setting boundaries in your life? Book a 1-on-1 coaching session with me from the services page!